More non-ficcie fun from a IM convo between ivorygates and I last year. Sorta NSFW again.


kazbaby (2:55:57AM): i refuse to write this idea.. but what if all the boys had to submit to an inspection in the public square before they could start negotiating for something that earth *really really* needs? it has to be public to show that they're not lying or trying to hide their true intentions.

kazbaby (2:56:21AM): and by inspection, i mean standing in their b-day suits.

ivorygates (2:56:31AM): *giggle*

kazbaby (2:56:31AM): Sam isn't there.

ivorygates (2:56:38AM): just the boys, then?

kazbaby (2:56:42AM): so it's just the boys.

kazbaby (2:58:30AM): but they sort of get in a fun pissing contest because of comments about their physique and *cough* proof of their ability to have a family. and for the natives that means bigger cocks make bigger families. or some stupid reasoning like that.

ivorygates (2:58:48AM): typical reasoning.

ivorygates (2:59:04AM): so they're going to want to see all of them fully erect.

kazbaby (2:59:25AM): maybe a drink before the inspection does the trick.

ivorygates (2:59:58AM): because of course the one with the biggest cock is the smartest and the obvious leader…

kazbaby (3:00:36AM): Teal’c will automatically assume that he's going to be considered the leader until they drop trou.

kazbaby (3:00:52AM): *giggles like mad*

ivorygates (3:01:38AM): "oh we should sure as hell be negotiating for some of this stuff," Cam says. "beats the hell out of Viagra." "I'm sure you don't want to imply that you know anything about Viagra, Mitchell," Jackson drawls, "and I think you'd better save your praises until we find out if the effects wear off." The look on Mitchell's face is gratifying.

kazbaby (3:02:02AM): *dies*

kazbaby (3:03:25AM): i can imagine the look on Daniel's face when it appears that cam and Teal’c are on equal 'footing' and then about passes out when the leader of the town says that cam and Teal’c have to be measured to see who's the true leader.

ivorygates (3:03:39AM): *wail*

kazbaby (3:04:05AM): "You breathe a word of this, Jackson, so help me god..."

ivorygates (3:04:43AM): "I can't be bought," Daniel says, "but I can be rented..."

kazbaby (3:04:47AM): "What? I think I just may have won the betting pool the nurses have going on."

kazbaby (3:05:00AM): hee!

ivorygates (3:05:20AM): "There's a *betting pool*?" Cam yelps.

kazbaby (3:05:29AM): Cam looks at the leader and asks, "You need an archeologist? I've got one to spare."

kazbaby (3:08:29AM): "Col. Carter has informed me that it is up to almost three hundred dollars."

ivorygates (3:08:58AM): "How come everybody knows about this but me?" Cam demands.

ivorygates (3:09:13AM): "We were afraid you'd try to cheat," Daniel says demurely.

kazbaby (3:09:26AM): *chokes*

kazbaby (3:09:41AM): "How in the *hell* would I cheat?"

ivorygates (3:10:22AM): "If you wish advice, Colonel Mitchell..."

kazbaby (3:11:39AM): "Need a Jaffa? Got'a extra one of those too."

ivorygates (3:11:56AM): *dies*

ivorygates (3:12:14AM): (this is the fic you aren't writing, right?) (just checking)

kazbaby (3:12:32AM): (yes. not writing it at all)

ivorygates (3:12:52AM): (okay. good. I’d hate to think you were writing this.)

kazbaby (3:13:06AM): (smart ass)

kazbaby (3:13:17AM): *ruffles your halo*

ivorygates (3:13:22AM): *purrs*

kazbaby (3:14:33AM): "Mitchell, you really shouldn't pout. It causes wrinkles," Daniel says.

ivorygates (3:15:26AM): He isn't sure whether to say that he isn't pouting or that he'll pout if he wants to. Neither one really seems appropriate for a USAF officer.

ivorygates (3:15:54AM): He settles for "Up yours, Jackson." That should be decent and manly enough.

kazbaby (3:18:31AM): Daniels points between Cam's legs. "You do *not* get to say 'up yours, Jackson' while sporting *that*."

kazbaby (3:19:09AM): Okay, maybe not so manly.

ivorygates (3:19:09AM): *hee*

ivorygates (3:19:57AM): "Hey," Cam says placatingly. "What happens on P37-85-Niner stays on P37-85-Niner. Right?"

ivorygates (3:20:48AM): "You did *not* just proposition me," Jackson says disbelievingly.

ivorygates (3:21:02AM): "No!" Cam yelps. "No, no, no, no - NO!"

kazbaby (3:21:03AM): (oh jesus)

kazbaby (3:22:24AM): "I do believe you did, Col. Mitchell. We all distinctly heard you." Teal'c grins.

ivorygates (3:23:09AM): *dies*

kazbaby (3:25:10AM): Cam stares at them both in shock. Here they are naked as the day they were born, in front of an entire town - getting fucking *measured* and these two are making *jokes*.

ivorygates (3:25:33AM): (it's gotta be an SG-1 thing. gotta be.)

kazbaby (3:25:44AM): "You two are getting some downtime when we get home."

kazbaby (3:26:03AM): "That really doesn't sound right so soon after you propositioned me, Mitchell."

ivorygates (3:26:28AM): "And you know ... that's twice," Jackson adds, looking thoughtful.

ivorygates (3:27:05AM): "Indeed," Teal'c agrees. Damned Jaffa traitor. See if Cam teaches him any more of the Love Secrets of the Sodan.

kazbaby (3:27:26AM): *dies twice*

ivorygates (3:27:41AM): "Yeah," he snaps, "you wanna go for three times lucky? Because I haven't heard you say 'yes' once."

kazbaby (3:28:04AM): "Yes."

ivorygates (3:28:17AM): "*What*?" Oh, he did not just hear that.

kazbaby (3:28:21AM): Daniel and Cam both turn as one to Teal'c's answer.

ivorygates (3:28:35AM): *hee*

ivorygates (3:30:37AM): "Okay," Cam says (*deep* breath here, Shaft) "Was that a 'yes' yes as in 'yes' or was that kind of a random 'yes' contributing to the general conversation kind of a 'yes' because, um, actually you know there are a lot of different ways in which a guy could take a 'yes' here and it's not that you aren't one *hell* of a hunk'a Jaffa there, T my man, but..."

kazbaby (3:34:32AM): "Yes in acceptance of your proposition, Col. Mitchell."

ivorygates (3:35:33AM): (they will never find Daniel's body)

kazbaby (3:36:02AM): "Jackson, did I just make a date with our very large," Cam tries not to look down after he says the word 'large', "teammate."

kazbaby (3:36:12AM): "I think you just did..."

kazbaby (3:36:42AM): "I am so screwed," Cam mutters.

kazbaby (3:36:55AM): "Not yet, Col. Mitchell."

ivorygates (3:37:04AM): *choke*'

kazbaby (3:37:57AM): Daniel leans toward Teal'c. "I have an extra bottle of that oil you like in my room, I'll bring it over after we're cleared."

kazbaby (3:38:07AM): :-D

ivorygates (3:39:45AM): "If you don't get me out of this, Jackson, I am going to handcuff you to your own bed and give Vala the key," Cam says, grabbing Jackson by the arm and yanking him over for a little private talk.

ivorygates (3:40:43AM): "Oooh - handcuffs!" Jackson says brightly. "Good idea! I'd forgotten how much you liked those, Mitchell."

ivorygates (3:41:21AM): "You should hang out with Sam more," he says in an undertone. "You'd be able to pick the locks."

kazbaby (3:41:51AM): "I've lost my mind. That has to be the only answer here."

ivorygates (3:42:05AM): (*giggle*)

kazbaby (3:42:32AM): "Oh you lost that the moment you said you wanted to be on SG-1." Teal'c nods in agreement.

kazbaby (3:43:33AM): (what's funny is they're having this entire conversation while naked in front of the entire town. i have a feeling that stuff is also like a truth serum. *snicker*)

ivorygates (3:44:12AM): (or makes you drunk and euphoric. or both.)

kazbaby (3:44:46AM): (either way, the leaders get to see the real you.)

ivorygates (3:45:10AM): "Yeah, well they didn't tell me alla you were *crazy*," Cam says indignantly. "Or that I was going to be playing Leavenworth Boys' Club with my team!"

kazbaby (3:46:30AM): "Are you saying that you do not desire me, Col. Mitchell?" If Cam didn't know better he'd think the big guy was actually pouting.

ivorygates (3:52:46AM): He gives Jackson a murderous glare (Jackson is, as usual unimpressed.) And it's either a case of attempting to explain his *entire sexual history* (and Amy Vandenberg) *plus* the Uniform Code of Military Justice to somebody who is emphatically *not* from around here while he is NAKED (and while Doctor Daniel Fucking Jackson is laughing at him, oh, let's don't forget that), or go off on a hot date with a guy who is probably his best friend (damned near) but really not his type. "Look," he says. "Here's the thing. I really don't do my best work with an audience, and I figure you and me probably have a lot of stuff to discuss, so after we get back, and lock Jackson and Vala up somewhere together, why'n't you come back to my place with me an' I'll cook dinner or we'll order pizza and we can talk about 'em?"

kazbaby (3:55:03AM): Teal'c gives him a little bow. "It is a date then."

kazbaby (3:55:10AM): "Not a date. A talk."

kazbaby (3:55:40AM): "Why does 'not a date' sound familiar?" Daniel asks.

kazbaby (3:56:48AM): "Oh, that was a *date*, Jackson."

ivorygates (3:57:03AM): (*snicker*)

kazbaby (3:57:53AM): "Indeed it was, Daniel Jackson. You gave her a flower for her hair, did you not?"

kazbaby (3:58:07AM): "Not a date."

ivorygates (3:58:32AM): "One more word out of you, Jackson, and you won't be wearing clothes when we lock the two of you up together."

kazbaby (3:58:59AM): Daniel looks terrified. "You *wouldn't*."

kazbaby (4:00:02AM): "Damn skippy I would and don't you forget about the handcuffs."

kazbaby (4:00:56AM): "I have an extra pair of plastic restraints if you would prefer to use those instead, Col. Mitchell."

ivorygates (4:01:15AM): (so helpful!)

kazbaby (4:01:44AM): "Teal'c!" Daniel is shocked at the betrayal. Cam beams. "Thanks, T. I'm sure Vala will love you for the help."

kazbaby (4:02:26AM): (*snicker* couldn't remember what the restraints are actually called)

ivorygates (4:03:13AM): "And you know what?" He pauses as if the thought's just struck him. "I bet she could break into the medlab where the samples we're going to bring back from this mission're gonna be stored, too. Whip up a nice little cocktail for Jackson. So to speak."

kazbaby (4:03:52AM): *dies*

ivorygates (4:04:04AM): *bows*

kazbaby (4:05:38AM): "Now I know the real reason why Jack picked you for the team - you're just as much a bastard as him."

kazbaby (4:06:23AM): "Thank you. I take that as a compliment, Jackson."

kazbaby (4:06:46AM): "Evil. Pure evil bastard."

ivorygates (4:07:07AM): "Hey! I haven't done it yet!"

kazbaby (4:08:32AM): "Yet. See, it the intent to do it that makes you evil."

kazbaby (4:09:26AM): Someone pokes Cam's shoulder. He looks over at the leader of the town. "Sorry about that. We're just funnin' one another."

ivorygates (4:10:00AM): (*loves Cam*)

kazbaby (4:10:13AM): "No worries, but I wanted to inform you we have finished..."

ivorygates (4:10:49AM): "Oh hey, that's great! Uh, do we pass?"

kazbaby (4:11:11AM): "Okay, I know I'm sort of out of my element here, but I'm pretty sure I would have noticed someone taking a tape measure to my...uh... camshaft."

ivorygates (4:11:22AM): *giggle*

ivorygates (4:11:42AM): "Oh god that's so juvenile," he hears Jackson mutter.

kazbaby (4:13:33AM): "We did. Do not worry, most are distracted when it occurs. We have deemed you to be the leader of the Tau’ri representatives."

kazbaby (4:13:54AM): "By how much?' Cam asks.

ivorygates (4:14:11AM): *snort*

kazbaby (4:14:24AM): "Not much, but enough so that we can now continue our trade discussions."

ivorygates (4:14:53AM): "Oh good. That's... good. So we can get dressed now?" Cam asks hopefully.

kazbaby (4:15:17AM): *This is so not going on my resume,* Cam thinks.

ivorygates (4:15:30AM): (heeeeee!)

kazbaby (4:16:15AM): "They are being brought now. Did you still wish to trade Dr. Jackson and the Jaffa, Teal'c?"

kazbaby (4:16:48AM): "No.... Well maybe Jackson."

kazbaby (4:17:14AM): "I'm going to tell Jack."

ivorygates (4:17:23AM): *dies*

kazbaby (4:19:33AM): "Do not forget to include about how Vala Mal Doran instructed you in the removal of plastics restraining devices," Teal'c says as he begins dressing after his clothing is returned.

kazbaby (4:20:36AM): Cam bites his bottom lip and quickly dresses while Daniel does the first full body blush he's ever seen.

ivorygates (4:21:36AM): "On second thought, I guess I'll keep both of 'em," he tells the Village Elder. "Jackson's got a harem back home that'd be really pissed if I came back without him."

kazbaby (4:22:04AM): *falls over ded*

kazbaby (4:22:28AM): (it's a good thing we have no intention of writing this)

ivorygates (4:22:35AM): (yes!)

kazbaby (4:29:36AM): that talk with Teal’c should be interesting.

ivorygates (4:29:52AM): yes. cam is kind of hoping it will all go away...

kazbaby (4:30:50AM): it'll turn out that Teal’c is interested in a special bonding thing, nothing more.

ivorygates (4:31:02AM): *giggle*

ivorygates (4:32:01AM): (and as usual they will all go back and LIE THEIR HEADS OFF in the debrief...)

kazbaby (4:33:22AM): at some point Daniel will point out that Teal’c adopted him in a way. (sort of (in a squint your eyes to see it way) like Bra'tac did with Teal’c.)

ivorygates (4:33:38AM): (yes)

kazbaby (4:33:40AM): of course!

ivorygates (4:34:08AM): and Cam will want to know why anyone hasn't killed him yet, Jackson...

kazbaby (4:34:58AM): "Took too many lessons from the energizer bunny?"