Kaz (kazbaby) wrote,

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keep on keeping on

Mom woke me up early this morning saying that the hospital called my brother and told him to get the family to the hospital (A picked him up from work) - that it wasn't going to be long. when we got there dad was pretty lucid and signed the DNR and his living will and we witnessed it.

he's still holding on though. (so fucking stubborn.)

they did surgery on him to drain fluid and infection out his lungs. they'd given him a 15% chance of making it through the surgery, but if he didn't have it dad wouldn't have made it through the night and my brother wanted to give him more of a chance. he won't like coming off the sedative to find himself on a vent.

they said if he recovers, it'll take a month or two and then he'll need 24 hour care in a nursing home. he'll have to be there for the rest of his life.

we took the oldest kids up there to say goodbye and it really hit harley the hardest. he's been dad's sidekick since he was 8 months old. they held each other for about ten minutes and dad was telling him how proud he is and how much he loved him. the boy is a bundle of nerves that's hitting out at everyone else. all i can do, all any of us can do, is to hold him and try and get him to not take out his grief on any of the other kids. harley has always been the more emotional one out of any of the kids and it's breaking my heart seeing him like this cause i know how much this is hurting him.

all the kids now know that despite all of the things he's said while drunk that he does love them. dad asked mom to take a little christmas angel he'd bought for my sister and asked if she'd place it on the grave for him and she said she would, trying not to cry. they've been divorced for years and says that she hates him for all of the horrible things he did to her over the years and i can't blame her a bit because I saw almost all of them, but the look on her face... a part of her still loves him because of what they used to have an shared.

God, I love him so fucking much, but I want him to go. I don't want him to hurt and struggle to breathe. I've missed him for so damn long and I want him to go. find catina, his parents and brothers. find peace. it's been too long since he's had it.
Tags: family

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