Kaz (kazbaby) wrote,

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I've been trying to do this post for a week now because the subject is embarrassing as fuck. I didn't last a week at school. Between getting up at 4:30am and not getting home until almost midnight and not having any food. And I don't mean that last bit figuratively either, I'd went three days without anything to eat and when AOM came to visit and took me out for a bit to eat the Saturday before last, I kinda overdid it and almost threw up in the restaurant. Anyway...the final straw was when I went to get my books for class and found out that my loans don't actually cover the cost of them. I remember I specifically asked if they would be covered and was told 'yes'. I was in the campus store and they said: That'll be $180, cash or credit card? And I had five dollars to feed myself with and to get on the bus to work (my bus pass doesn't cover the transit system in this county). It felt like an actual blow to hear it. So I've told my advisor I want to either withdraw or wait until January to start before I'm actually liable for paying back the loans right now.

There were too many new things going on. New apartment, new job, starting school and it was just too damn much. I thought I could do it and I feel like a fucking failure. Liza sort of yelled at me for thinking this by saying it's not my fault that I didn't have the money. It helps but not by much.

Until this point I had only told a couple people. I wasn't even going to tell my family but when mom called and asked me about school I couldn't lie to her, but I begged her to not tell anyone else. In particular my dad. I want him to go on being proud of me until he finally passes on. The only thing that mom got onto me for was not calling her and asking for money for food. I told her I don't want her money, she's got her own bills and the kids were about to start school and she needed it for their supplies. She told me to shut up and wanted to know where the western union was near me.

I'm making this post public because I've made all my other school posts public, but I'm locking off comments because I really don't want to talk about it anymore. Every time I think about it I end up in tears and pissed off at myself. It's my own damn fault for listening to the admissions advisor and believing her hype when I'd wanted to wait until January in the first place.

I'm sorry.
Tags: personal, school

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