November 13th, 2004

Angel (John)

move along nothing to see here

Just another day. Read fic, tried to write. I got hooked on rainer76's fic. Curse you Kerne! *hug*

Update on my dad, they haven't done the surgery yet. Everyday they say it's going to be the next day. In a way, I should be glad since that means it's one more day he's alive. Sound weird? Not really, it seems that even my brother, and dad's doctors don't expect him to make it through this.

And I am a stupid ass. I'm replaying what happened with my sister all over again by not visiting him in the hospital. But today I had every intention of going, but no way to get there. My tag is expired on my car (I keep forgetting to go), and mom was gone with the kids at some school deal. My brother was begging our mom to make me go.

To be honest, it scares the living shit out of me. Knowing he's dying. Not being able to do a fucking thing about it. The helplessness can damn well drown you. I want to look at my dad and see the man from my childhood. I want to see the man that used to lift me on his shoulders so I could see a parade better over the crowds. I want to see the man who held me when I had bad dreams, when I was sick or when I was burned bad. I want a lot of fucking things, but what I don't want is to see him dying.

The day before he went in the hospital he came and visited for a little bit. We talked and he asked to see my videos, and then asked to hear me sing the song I'm doing for the contest. He told me he was proud of me and then started to leave and I heard him crying in the hallway. God that hurt.

But tomorrow I'm going to suck it up and take him some of my books. I just don't know what to say to him.
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    scared scared