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24 December 2010 @ 05:24 pm
I need a drink  
Every year since Tina passed away has been tough for us but this year I think is the worst yet. Not because I miss her so much but because the kids constantly go out of their way to make their hatred of me known. More than once a week (sometimes daily) I hear the words that say 'you're not my mother', 'you're the one that should have died', 'you need to get out of this house', 'nanna doesn't even want you here because you're worthless', 'you're not my family', and 'i can't wait until you die so i can laugh'. HH has been the hold out in most of that kind of talk but I still from her (all of them) that I'm not her mom and despite the fact that I tell them that I know I'm not but I'm trying to tell them or teach them things that I know she would want me to say or do. All they say to that is to tell me to shut the fuck up. I want to do right by them, to help them become people that my sister could be proud of, but they flat out don't want anything to do with me.

In some respects they're right. I am worthless and that it should have been me instead of Tina. She had kids that need her and I had no one other than my brother's kids and they don't actually need me since they have their parents. I'm the one that has wanted to not necessarily kill myself but permanently escape reality because I'm useless to everyone, even myself. The stories I've always made up in my head are so much better. I used to do as much acid as I could hoping that I'd take the "right" batch and I'd never come back. No such luck.

Tina should have been here. Between her and mom I know these kids wouldn't be as bad as they are now. Mom tries her best but between them they've worn her down and now she has to pick her battles. She has chest pains and migraines more than once a week and I know that mom probably won't be here this time next year.

But I'm going to be alive and alone.
 
 
moodswing: sadsad